It’s official. I’ve returned to the deadly world of the dating game (game is not a nice term for dating) and I’m going to put it all on the line – no, wait, I’m going to step over the line and throw it into new territories – by sharing some of this experience with you.
Why am I willing to do this you may ask? (Just play along, ok). Am I attempting to reconstruct this blog into some sort of an agony uncle column? Am I desperately clawing for some kind of shared human experience? Have I just gone good old-fashioned mad?
Seeing as you’ve been patient enough to play along so far, I’ll let you decide, but to me the point is this: judgement is what we sign up for when we make the leap to put ourselves out there. We’re setting ourselves up to be critiqued, often harshly and with little context, by a slew of total strangers. So whether I bare my heart to you, Reader, or somebody else I haven’t met, really makes no difference.
One of the biggest barriers between humans in general is trust. Trust often takes time and that period of time can vary between individuals and even cultures. Between new friends and work colleagues the barrier is relatively small, but when applied to dating it can quickly grow into some gaping chasm, filled with doubts and treachery. This is one truth I’ve witnessed time and time again.
As an individual, I know myself. I am trustworthy, loyal and caring, like most of us. However, when emotions get heightened, we all have a tendency to shift into self-defence mode and with that comes doubt. We start looking for all the reasons it couldn’t possibly work with somebody. They are too clingy, too distant, too weird, too normal. They’re secretly having sex with everyone they meet. Of course, sometimes these things turn out to be true but for the most part this is not the reality. The reality is we are all just as anxious, self-doubting and afraid of getting hurt as each other.
Sadly, this is not a good recipe for dating success and so a lot of new potential relationships fall at the first hurdle.
For my part, I try to bring the same honesty to dating as I attempt to bring to all other areas of my life but I realise this can be unusual and daunting to people too. Self-analysing is not something we’re all good at and that defence mode I mentioned earlier plays a part in this. As a writer, in many ways I’ve already dealt with my demons. I am writing about the human experience on a regular basis, but anyone who makes an effort to address their fears, weaknesses and other foibles in an open and honest way will have a better chance of understanding themselves. Personally, I want to know what motivates people, what struggles people have. We all go through them so why shouldn’t we be able to talk about them? That’s where the trust comes in.
As a man, for me personally, learning to talk about my feelings has been a game changer. This is not something I’ve always been able to do. One of the reasons I do it now is because I’m aware it’s difficult for men. I don’t want to say more difficult because we’re all individuals with unique experiences but there are statistics to support that argument. In the UK, suicide is the single biggest killer of men below the age of 45. I’ve known men who have lost their lives in this way and I do have some insight into why this might be.
In my country, the lines between men and women are ever blurring which I think is a positive thing but it has long been considered a weakness for men to share their emotions. Even today, it’s not uncommon to be ridiculed by other men and considered weak by women for doing so. I know not everybody reacts this way but I’ve witnessed and experienced this personally, especially with new people.
To me, it takes great strength to rise above stereotypes and in my small way, I do want to be a role model to other men and show people that it’s ok to talk, so this is something I consciously and unapologetically do in front of others. It may cost me sometimes, personally, but if that’s the case so be it. For the most part, I’ve found it liberating and have been able to consistently form deeper, more meaningful friendships as a result. I do understand it’s not an easy thing to do and it’s taken me a long time to become comfortable enough with myself not to fear judgement, so don’t be perturbed if it’s hard for you too. It’s rarely people’s aim to hurt us and more often than not it’s their own fears and inadequacies that cause them to do so. None of us are perfect, and I like to think – just like any novel – we’re all a work in progress and never the finished article.
I believe true strength comes from being able to deal with rejection, pain, self-doubt and keep moving forward. We all feel these things and at times they can be completely overwhelming. If you’re lucky enough, like me, to have good people in your life you can talk to openly, please make sure you do, just be conscious not to overwhelm them too. There are of course many professional groups if that’s the next best option or if you don’t want to place too much burden on family and friends.
Now, where was I before I absolutely qualified this blog for agony uncle status?
Oh, yes, dating. Oh god, dating. I should point out that I wouldn’t recommend emotions are the first thing to talk about on a date. It is supposed to be fun! It’s more about answering questions honestly. That other stuff can and usually should come a bit later.
I’ve had some unique experiences of dating recently and perhaps in time I will share those stories but right now it wouldn’t seem fair to go into detail. They were personal interactions and should probably stay that way. Sorry, I know the juicy bits are what you’re really after…and I do love storytelling so….no, don’t do it!
What I think we can all agree on is that rejection sucks.
It’s not the rejection alone of course. It’s the thought process that comes with it. We think of what might have been. If the other person had just trusted more. If they hadn’t listened to what friends were telling them. If we’d said this and not that. If there was more time. If other factors hadn’t got between us. One day, when they still haven’t met someone right for them, they’ll regret that they didn’t give us a go.
Any of this sound familiar? (if not, just keep playing along).
Despite what I said earlier, when it comes to dating I’ve found I’m just like everybody else. I get nervous, I get hurt, I say the wrong thing and end up using that face-palm emoji too much. I tell myself I’m giving up after this and at the time I really mean it. Even when it’s really good with someone, attraction is a distraction I could do without (and so was that rhyme). I can’t focus on my work for thinking about them. My writing is suffering, my workouts are suffering.
Like I said, this is what we really sign up for when we put ourselves out there – our hope being that eventually the trust with somebody will grow and that awful chasm will close. The excitement will remain but buffered by calmness and supportiveness. A sense of nurture and belonging. Work and other stresses will become easier. Small pleasures such as walks in the countryside will be more inspiring and romantic because now we have someone to enjoy them with. A touch of hands, a shared look, a knowing smile.
And so, as soon as the pain fades, we try again. Back into the meat grinder (definitely a horrible term for dating!).
Hope is what it’s all about after all and if you are experiencing similar paradoxes, I wish you the best of luck on your own journeys through the dating or relationship mind maze.
Tread carefully, Reader, but don’t let fear keep you from moving forward.
A. J. Austin (aka, Agony Uncle)
P.S. I spoke to a goose today and it wasn’t the first time – judge away!
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