The Online Dating Blog

My Guide to Online Dating.

I’ve recently forayed back into the world of online dating. Yes, “back” unfortunately. When I was younger, I remember scoffing at people who turned to such desperate measures but of course, getting older, you realise that there just aren’t opportunities to meet new people other than through work or by joining a club…and I ain’t joining no club, let’s get that straight right from the start.

Ok, so after some considerable…research…here are my tips for you other single guys and gals out there, based on my own experiences. It is from a straight man’s perspective because, well, I’m a straight man and I don’t get to see male profiles. (Creepy note to self: could set up fake female profile to see how I compare to other men? Hmm…) It’s also not very serious, so if you were hoping for genuine advice, be prepared for disappointment.

Let’s start with some basic warnings.

1.       Things to watch out for:

• There’s no such thing as “quirks”, only neurotic disorders.
• When someone says, “I’m a little…” they really mean, “I’m a lot…”. I’ll let you fill in the blanks.
• Including “shopping” as a hobby means they have no hobbies.
• Anyone who describes themselves as “passionate”. (this includes me – seriously, stay away from me)
• Anyone who describes themselves as “terribly sweet” is a raging Harley Quinn-like psycho.
• Anyone who has too many dislikes in the dislike section because you know there’s a load more they just couldn’t squeeze in.
• People who make too many demands. “I want my partner to be this, this, this and this. Is that too much to ask?” Yes, it is. That’s why you’re single.
• People who join a dating site in your country but actually live in another country. Oh, so you’re from Kyrgyzstan? (Seriously, this happened to me). You like English guys, huh? Luckily for you, I’m desperate. (smiley face)
• People who don’t include any pictures.
• People who include lots of pictures but they’re all from 10 years ago.
• People who look attractive but there’s just something odd about their eyes.

Unfortunately, this pretty much covers 99% of the profiles I see but realistically, I know it’s impossible to sum yourself up in a short profile description and that’s the trouble with dating in general. The older you get, the more iterations of yourself there have been, the more experiences you’ve had and wisdom you’ve gained (hopefully) and there has to be some trust between people to understand and allow for this. On the flipside, this also means there’s a lot to learn about each other if you do progress to that stage.

Another thing I wonder about is dishonesty. Not so much in women but in other men. Personally, I hate how some men put on this fake persona when they first start interacting with someone. I mean, I know there has to be some polite introductions – I don’t have a problem with that at all – it’s giving a false impression of yourself that I don’t like. And it does me a disservice because I’m not going to do that. Don’t make me compete with your fake niceness, it isn’t fair. I want somebody to know if they’re going to like me long-term, otherwise what’s the point? Oh, I see…(shocked innocent face). I should point out, I don’t know if men generally do this (feel free to tell me in the comments below). It’s more something I recall from my youth. I guess most of us are on our best behaviour at the start, which leads me nicely on to the next, hypocritical, section of my guide.

2.       Things men really want to say but can’t:

•  I’m not interested in your family, I’m interested in you. I want to go on romantic walks, explore new places. I don’t want your family to come on our romantic walks, that’s not romantic at all. I don’t want to kiss you in front of your father. Not because it’s embarrassing but just in case there are any Freudians nearby, watching, judging. And because it’s embarrassing.
• Sometimes I just want sex. It’s hormonal. It doesn’t define me as a person. Overall, I want a connection, just like you.
• I will never want to go clothes shopping with you so just don’t even mention that on your profile. If you want to do that, fine, but I am not going to come and hold your bags, just like your last boyfriend didn’t. I am not the exception. There are no exceptions. (gruff, action-movie voice)
• My last date was with a virtual porn star.
• I just saved a ladybird from drowning in my cup of tea but I’ll never tell you that. (damn, is this a quirk?)
• I am genuinely into equality so sometimes I’d like you to make the effort or think about my feelings.
• I’m not looking for a social life. If I wanted a social life I could get one on my own. I have a life. I just want to share some of it with you.
• I can’t describe everything about myself, all experiences and depth, over just a few messages spread out every few days. I would prefer to communicate more regularly or just meet. That’s what people used to do before the internet.
• If you’re worried I’m a psycho then, to you, I probably am.
• If you think I can be trusted then I probably can. Trust your instincts and let me know how you feel so I don’t waste my time.
• I really want a younger version of you. (Just a joke, ok! Sometimes we do that.)
• Try to remember the good things I say, not just the bad things. Sometimes I can be an insensitive idiot but I’m aware of it and usually regret it.
• Sometimes it is your problem, not mine.

Let’s be honest, all dating has its pitfalls and at least online dating has given us so many more opportunities to meet new people. Opportunities that we never would have had before. If you’ve been thinking about giving it a go, my advice is try it. Everyone on there is in the same boat (could this be the name of a new dating app?) so you have that in common right away. Do some research on the different apps, there can be a big difference between the types of people you’re likely to meet on casual dating apps compared to more serious ones. Pick one that fits you or try a few. I’ve ranged from lots of interest on certain apps, to almost none on others, so don’t be perturbed. Also, spend some time on your profile and revisit it after a while. Don’t just scribble something down quickly and think “that’ll do”. Sure, it’s an unfair reflection of you but it’s all people have to go on initially.

Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed my guide to online dating. It wasn’t actually very useful, was it? But perhaps if you’ve already partaken in this odd form of “meeting” people, some of this may chime with you.

As ever, feel free to share your own thoughts and experiences in the comments section below.

Now, where’s that virtual reality headset…(it’s for gaming, honest!)

A.J. Austin